


Mercy, In Itself

by Sashataakheru



Series: '...And You Will Know Us' Archangel AU [4]
Category: The Move RPF
Genre: Community: hc_bingo, Gen, Hospitalisation, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Judaism, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Psychosis, incarnate archangels, spiritual healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-26 00:24:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Azriel has not felt so isolated from G-d before. It takes a strange lady to help xem deal with the betrayal xe feels xe has suffered when Ha-Shem did not answer xem when xe needed Him the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mercy, In Itself

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt 'nightmares' for hc_bingo round four. My card is [here](http://3evilmuses.dreamwidth.org/68153.html).
> 
> Set about a month after ['The Spectre of Death'.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/930457)

Ace left Scotland with the band a month later. Xe was in a dark place, xe knew that. Xe still had not found the strength to make peace with what had happened, and the souls of the children who had died still called to xem in xyr nightmares. Xe could not accept that Ha-Shem had not heard xyr prayers and had allowed it to happen. Ha-Shem was not the sort of god who would not intervene, would not know when He was needed. At least, Ace didn't think He was like that at all.

Xe'd spent a lot of time talking to Trevor. Once xe'd been discharged, they sat around the motel together, getting stoned, and trying to forget what had happened. Trevor wasn't much good for proper conversation, not when it came to talking about the Angels. Ace tried, and Trevor tried to understand, but he just couldn't really accept it as reality. It was Ace's reality, but no one else's.

Ace had not heard from Lucifer, or the other Angels, since that accursed day, either. Ha-Shem was absent beyond measure, and Ace felt what it was really like to be so far from G-d. Xe was sure the Archangel's soul had felt like this before xe'd become more conscious, but now xe was feeling it too, and it hurt. It physically hurt, and xe didn't know how to fix it. Xe did not have the strength to forgive yet.

It did not make life easy. Ace felt angry, but xyr anger went nowhere, given how powerless xe felt. Indeed, it wasn't long after they returned to Birmingham that psychosis got the better of xem once more, and xe ended up in hospital again. Ace suspected it might have been from all the weed xe'd smoked with Trevor before they left Scotland. It had never quite agreed with xem, even though it did make xyr body stop hurting, just for a while.

There was no power when xe'd was in hospital, none at all. Xe was trapped, and had no one to talk to. Xyr doctor was tolerant enough of some of xyr angelic delusions, but Ace didn't feel xe could really talk about what had happened in Scotland without revealing everything xe'd seen and experienced. Xe was sure that without the rest of the band having been through it too, he'd have put it down to psychosis. The dev'lish angels in the storm cloud were just hallucinations. The darkness was just his mind trying to make sense of things as xe lay there, unconscious. None of it was real.

Ace knew it was real enough, though. Xe dreamt about it every night in that hospital bed. The pills always made xyr dreams much more vivid. That orphanage was there, the children screaming to be free as the Angels descended. Ace tried to protect them, tried to call to Ha-Shem, but every time xe tried, xe had no voice. Xe had been silenced.

In one version, xe had been captured, and forced to watch the slaughter. Xe had woken from that one greatly distressed, and xe didn't sleep for days afterwards, so unwilling to submit to xyr nighttime terrors. Xe wondered, silently, if perhaps the Christians were right. Maybe there was a Devil, after all, and he was punishing Ace for not being able to save the children. Maybe Samael was evil, after all.

Xe spent xyr days praying to Jesus, which in itself was an alien feeling. Xe was not entirely sure that particular Son of G-d existed, but xe didn't feel like xe had any other choice. Ha-Shem had abandoned xem, and xe had nowhere else to turn. But Jesus was just as absent. Xe tried Mary, the Saints, the Angels, Allah and His Prophet, and even Buddha, in a final attempt to find peace. But no one answered. In the cold, lonely chapel, there was no divine life.

Ace wished xe could be content with atheism, but xe knew all too well that all those beings existed. They just weren't answering. That was what made it unbearable. After a while, xe gave up. What was the point in praying, in keeping mitzvot, if no god was going to bring peace to xyr soul?

* * *

The Chinese lady had appeared out of nowhere, and she stood, silently, by the window in xyr room. Ace had been reading, trying to distract xemself from the nightmarish visions still haunting xyr mind. Xyr medication had made them worse, made them more persistent, and it left xem feeling like xe was reliving that day at the orphanage every moment xe was awake.

The lady did not move for a very long time. Ace watched her from time to time, wondering who she was. Xe wasn't sure if she was a spirit, a god, a hallucination, or some other imaginary creation. She was very beautiful, dressed in a shimmering bright white robe. She held a small jug in one hand, against her body. She didn't move towards xem, or attempt to speak to xem. She just stood there, observing xem.

"My hallucinations are usually a little more interesting than this. Who are you, then? Some weird devil sent to take me to Gehinnom?" Ace said eventually, tired of watching her stand there, doing nothing.

She bowed her head to xem by way of acknowledging xyr presence. She walked over to xem and poured what looked like water into her hand from the jug, which she sprinkled over Ace's head. The water did not look like water; it shimmered with light, as if it was not real, and it did not wet the pages of the book xe had been reading. But xe felt it well enough. As soon as the water touched xyr head, xe felt a moment of peace.

"Who are you?" Ace asked, looking at her. He didn't recognise her or her energy at all, but she seemed to be kind.

She reached a hand into one of her long sleeves and pulled out a shimmering lotus flower. She offered it to xem, and it floated through the air before coming to rest on top of the book xe had been reading, very much real. Ace picked it up, smelling its sweet aroma. As xe looked back at the window, she was gone.

"I think someone's playing with me," Ace decided.

* * *

Ace slept very well that night. Xe'd been lulled into a comforting sleep, and the nightmarish dreams did not come to pass. Indeed, Ace did not recall anything xe had dreamt about that night. All xe was aware of when xe woke was the smell of the lotus flower drifting gently through the air.

As xe sat up, xe picked up the flower, wondering if it wasn't magical in some way. It looked real enough, but as xe went to smell it, it vanished.

"Who are you?"

 _Compassion_ , came the soft reply, barely more than a whisper drifting on the breeze.

Ace didn't know who she might be. The name, or her presence, was not familiar to xem. Any spirits outside of the Abrahamic faiths were generally unknown to xem. They existed in different parts of the Heavens that never met on any level. As an Archangel, Azriel had never been permitted to go there. Xe found this strange, given xyr work meant severing the dying souls of any human being, no matter which god they claimed to cleave their allegiance to. Azriel didn't care; once the soul was free, it was able to go where it needed to go. Its final destination was not for Azriel to decide.

Xe didn't know anyone who had ever been to that other part of Heaven. Xe had heard stories of false gods and demons, of evil creatures who wanted to destroy the earth. But they were just stories. Azriel had no idea if any of them were true. But Azriel was a servant of Ha-Shem, and did not have free will. Xe served Ha-Shem because that is what xe was created to do.

But xe had Fallen now. Xe was stuck in a wretched human body that was broken and fragile, cut off from Ha-Shem and the Archangels. Xe had even denounced Ha-Shem in that Scottish hospital. Xe had said xe belonged to no god, and xe still didn't really regret that. Ha-Shem had broken xyr trust, and so, xe had turned from G-d, feeling unable to serve a god that would allow that to happen.

Xe felt like xe was in some sort of spiritual limbo. Xe had never felt so abandoned and hurt, and Ha-Shem did not seem keen to redress xyr pain. Xe had prayed as the demonic angels attacked. Xe had begged Ha-Shem to step in. But He had not heard Azriel's plea.

* * *

After the lady's visit, xyr nightmares were not so bad. Xe still dreamt of what happened, and xe still felt the children's souls calling to xem, but they had lost their vividness. It didn't make the pain lessen, though. Xe was still constantly reminded of what had happened, and with no recourse to justice, and no answer from any god or spirit or angel, Ace felt isolated and alone.

"I did nothing wrong. I did everything in my power to protect those kids. If Ha-Shem didn't hear me, then that's hardly my fault. So why do I feel like I'm being punished for what happened?" Ace wondered.

As xe looked over at the window, the Chinese lady appeared again. She still looked as beautiful as she had the first time xe'd seen her, though she did not appear to have the jug of water in her hand this time. Indeed, she held nothing.

"What are you doing here again? When will you tell me your name?" Ace asked.

She observed xem a moment before she walked over to xyr bed. Standing beside xem, close enough to touch xem, Ace still didn't know who she was. She reached out and touched xyr arm, offering a gentle smile.

"Who are you? Are you an angel? Did Ha-Shem send you?"

Her gaze lowered a moment, but Ace did not think that was a confirmation of xyr questions. Instead, she stroked a hand down xyr hair and kissed the top of xyr head. She was definitely offering something to xem, but xe didn't know what. All xe knew was that xe felt a little better. Then she touched a hand to xyr heart and whispered something to xem in a language xe did not know.

"But - who are you? Who are you to care for a fallen Archangel?" Ace asked, unsure why this spirit was with xem.

She smiled as she drew back away from xem. _I care for everyone, just as Azriel does._

Her voice shimmered through the air like a wave, not spoken aloud, but offered in a way Azriel had not encountered before.

Ace wanted to ask again who she was, but she stepped back and vanished, waving xem goodbye. Ace got the impression it would be the last time they would meet, and xe was frustrated xe did not know who she was. But as xe sat back, xe felt warm arms around xem, and caught the scent of lotus in the air.

 _Heaven arms with compassion those it would not see destroyed_ , she whispered.

Ace did not recognise the phrase, but it brought an overwhelming sense of love with it. Ace didn't know if xe was being given access to the gods again, but xyr body felt lighter than it had in a long time. All xe was aware of was her arms around xem, and the room filling with love. It was impossible to tell where the source of that love was coming from. All divine love generally felt the same at a certain level. Azriel could not distinguish this love from Ha-Shem's love, and perhaps that was the purpose of it.

"Ha-Shem, please. Why did you forsake me? Why did you abandon me? Those children did not need to die. Why did you not hear me when I called?" Ace whispered, unable to leave the questions unanswered. Xe needed to know, from Ha-Shem, what had happened, and why He had not come to xyr aid.

Ha-Shem spoke then, His words offering life and forgiveness to Azriel's spirit. Ace was sure if the lady wasn't there with xem, xe might have died from the sound of His voice. Ha-Shem's answer did not completely put xem at ease, but Azriel was certain He was not lying. Perhaps the demonic angels really had severed Azriel's connection to the Heavens before they attacked, leaving xem cut off and abandoned so Ha-Shem would not be able to help. It did seem to make sense. Azriel could think of no other reason why xe should not have been heard. Xe might be Fallen, but xe could still speak to the Heavens. Xe had always been able to speak to the Heavens, except for that one moment when xe had needed it the most.

* * *

Azriel did not remember much after that moment, but xe had not been expecting that. All xe really remembered was a hazy dream, with lots of bright white light, and a feeling as if xe was being bathed in pure waters. The lady was still with xem, and perhaps it was because she was holding xem in the flow of a stream of running water that xe did not panic. The water was not flowing fast; it was a gentle flow, leaving xem feeling safe around water for once.

Xe normally avoided baths, and any situation where xe would be immersed in water, because they just reminded xem of the trauma of the day when Azriel broke free and claimed xyr body. Xe had been in the mikvah, finishing xyr conversion to Judaism, barely sixteen years old, and Azriel had been reborn. Xe had been terrified of baths ever since, and had never been back to the mikvah. Xe had severed all contact with the particular Jewish community who had been willing to take xem in. Xe was too scared to go back now. Xe felt they would judge and ostracise xem.

But the sensation of water flowing over xem, of it being shallow and cool, stopped xem thinking about that. The flow was nothing like bathing in water; indeed, even the water itself felt different. The lady held xem firmly, but gently, making sure xyr head was always above the water line. Knowing xe was in contact with the floor, that xe was lying on it, reassured xem that it was not going to drown xem; xyr wings acted as a soft cushion, and with the water flowing all around xem, it felt quite relaxing. Xe could even feel the water running through xyr wings. That knot of scar tissue on one of the wing bones began to vanish and heal, much to xyr amazement.

But it was with xyr mind that xe noticed the most improvement. She sang soft lilting lullabies as she gently scooped water over xyr head with her hand. Ace didn't recognise any of the tunes, but it didn't matter. The water seemed to seep through xyr mind, taking some of the madness with it. Ace doubted she could really fix the complicated mess in xyr head, but she did seem to be untying some of the tighter knots, relieving the pressure on xyr mind.

At some point, she lulled xem into sleep, and xe lay there peacefully, past hurts not exactly healed completely, but certainly soothed and calmed to a point where they didn't hurt anymore. The nightmares were gone, the children's souls had finally gone to Heaven, and the demons had finally left xem alone. And xe still didn't know her name, that Lady of the Pure Water who had healed xem as Rafa'el did. But in that moment, as xe embraced the call of deep, restful sleep, it didn't matter. A merciful lady had found xem when no one else was listening, and had mended a broken Archangel. Azriel would always be grateful for her healing, even if xe would never know who she was.


End file.
